I’ve never ridden a horse.
I have never ridden a horse.
I do have flickering memories of feeding horses as a child. Oh, how they gobbled up those pennies, nickels and dimes!
I’m reminded of the peculiar way they rocked back-and-forth during feeding—not unlike my aunt Karen after lap-band surgery. I’ve been told that horses, not unlike cows, have eight stomachs and bellyache about how they never “feel full”.
I have only one stomach, a stomach that has been filled with sweet horsemeat on more than one occasion. Some say we shouldn’t eat horses, out of respect for their singular beauty and above-average intelligence.
Well, I would like to ask those “some” what they might do with all the horses that are neither beautiful, nor intelligent?—those who are “so like” the “some” themselves?
What of those less-than-thoroughly bred; who lack the limber legs for racing; the clumsy and unattractive with large noses and saddlebag hips, who even the most frisky of studs wouldn’t mount in the loneliest of fields.
What is to become of those poor beasts?
Either they feed a man, or it’s the glue factory for them. There are no two-ways about it.
In fact, I bet the slowest horses make the best glue. Oh! And another thing! Despite what America would have you believe, those innocent, no-name horses who traipsed tirelessly across the desert are all officially “Elmer’s” now.
So save me the sob story.
I’ll just stick to what I do know about horses.
Riding.
The four traditional styles are:
Western. English. (Simply “riding” to you and me.) Sidesaddle. And Eastern, or “Mongolian Bareback.” Where the unbridled backs of petite, Asian ponies are used as steppes, or Ottomans.
There is also “quartering,” for those who cannot decide between the four. Most riders—even professional horse-wrestlers—never attempt it a second time.
Incidentally, George Washington was the first president to be posthumously drawn and quartered—a fitting homage for a horseman of such equinoctial reigns.
With that, I’ll leave you with this:
Whether you are feeding them from the loose change in your pocket, or feeding upon them for a change, in stirrups or stir-fry, it is they, the majestic and savory horses, who have changed us…and we them, through careful breeding.
